


all you have is your fire

by knightswatch



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Curses, Fire, Getting Together, M/M, Rejection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-27 21:58:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8418619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightswatch/pseuds/knightswatch
Summary: Shigeru is quickly hurtling toward the point where he’s going to have to change the relationship that he’s built with Kyoutani in ways that he can’t take back, and it’s one of the reasons that he isn’t particularly looking forward to his birthday.
No matter how he feels, Shigeru knows he can’t afford to be in love. Or at least, he can’t afford to act on it.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hoshikyuu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoshikyuu/gifts).



> An early birthday present for my precious Baby Star, because she asked me to write her angsty kyouhaba <3 hopefully you enjoy!

 

_“…I love you and_  
 _I do not want to love you,_  
 _it is too much and too difficult…”_  
—Ingeborg Bachmann

* * *

 

Yahaba Shigeru has had a pact with himself, since he turned 9 years old, that he wasn’t going to fall in love.

It was an easy promise to make, after seeing the way love was almost out of reach in his family. Shigeru has no need for the kind of damage that it’s caused everyone else he cares for. It should be easy to hold in the front of his mind.

There’s still snow piled up on the sides of the sidewalks, despite being in the last week of February, and it forces Shigeru to walk so close to Kyoutani that the backs of their hands bump against each other.

Kyoutani doesn’t pull his away or glare—they’ve been dealing with this lack of space all winter, and it’s become the norm at this point. It has not stopped Shigeru from wanting to lace their fingers together and hold onto Kyoutani’s hand as they walk, but like every afternoon, he ignores that impulse.

Instead, he tries to mull over the strategy for their next practice match while Kyoutani glares at a message on his phone. He slides it back into his pocket, looking at Shigeru with cheeks flushed red by the cold wind blowing around them. “Watari wants to throw you a surprise party next week.”

Shigeru’s next step hesitates, and he almost stumbles on an unfortunate patch of ice before correcting himself, just as Kyoutani reaches an arm out to hold him up.

Shigeru turns eighteen in four days. The knowledge is sour in his mouth.

“It’s not really a surprise if you tell me that,” he chuckles, and Kyoutani shrugs his shoulders, dropping his hand to his side once again when he’s sure that Shigeru isn’t going to fall and crack his head open on the sidewalk. He hasn’t had the heart to tell them that the last thing he wants to do is celebrate this birthday.

“Whatever. You know I’m no good at that shit.” Kyoutani doesn’t sound any grumpier than usual, and they resume walking. Shigeru shifts his bag on his shoulder, running his fingers nervously over the strap. “What do you wants us to do for it?”

“Something small? You really don’t need to do anything.” Shigeru shrugs, ignoring the minute glare that Kyoutani shoots at him. He doesn’t want to think about his birthday, or about promises he made to himself as a child that he knows even now are for the best.

He doesn’t want to think about it with Kyoutani standing next to him, puffing clouds of warm breath ahead and hunching his shoulders to guard against the wind. Shigeru grins to himself, trying to wipe his mind clear, flipping the hood of Kyoutani’s sweater up instead just to annoy him in whatever small ways possible. “Just buy me cake and behave for a day.”

“Nice try,” Kyoutani chuckles, flipping the hood down again and batting Shigeru’s hand away. He’s not wearing gloves and even though Shigeru is, it doesn’t dull the slight heat that trails over the back of Shigeru’s hand like sparks spit from a fire. “I already got you something, anyway.”

“You did?” Shigeru blinks, turning to look at Kyoutani fully now, surprised. His lips curl up into a grin despite himself. “What is it?”

“Like I’d tell you.” Kyoutani smirks, tucking his hands into his pockets. “I do know how a surprise works.”

“That’s just rude,” Shigeru does the same with his own hands, lamenting the tiny loss of contact.

He knows, rationally, that he’s way over his head with this. It wasn’t some kind of misguided cynicism that set him against falling in love. It’s a question of practicality, and of safety. He also knows, rationally, that he has feelings for Kyoutani Kentarou that he didn’t intend on having. Of all the people possible for Shigeru to fall in love with, he wouldn’t have picked Kyoutani out of a million. He expected to hate him, rather.

They’ve done well in coming to understand each other, though, and what started as little more than an uneasy truce has grown into a friendship that Shigeru finds himself counting on. Kyoutani, wild and unpredictable on the court, can also be steady, reliable even. He shows up to most things almost on time, and if Shigeru schedules with the thought that Kyoutani will be five minutes late in mind, it’s like he’s always on time.

It’s a slow process, getting to know someone who doesn’t want to be open about things, but Shigeru finds himself relishing in any part of Kyoutani that he can draw out.

He’s ignoring how dangerous it is.

Kyoutani’s apartment building is first on their route home, and Shigeru knows it’s around the next corner that they turn. It occurs to him every day, that he could just lean in and kiss Kyoutani before walking the rest of the way home by himself. He doesn’t do it, of course. He wouldn’t. He’s not even sure how Kyoutani would react to such a gesture.

He doesn’t want to know.

Shigeru is quickly hurtling toward the point where he’s going to have to change the relationship that he’s built with Kyoutani in ways that he can’t take back, and it’s one of the reasons that he isn’t particularly looking forward to his birthday.

No matter how he feels, Shigeru knows he can’t afford to be in love. Or at least, he can’t afford to act on it.

Kyoutani stops outside the door to his building, giving Shigeru a look that he doesn’t quite grasp the meaning of. Kyoutani looks serious, though different than his usual resting glower. His brow is furrowed, and his fingers are twitching against his thigh. “Um.”

He starts, then immediately stops, clamping his mouth shut. Shigeru tilts his head slightly. “What?”

“I just…” Kyoutani starts again, then swallows to hard that Shigeru can’t help but watch the bob of his throat. “Nothing. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Shigeru stares oddly as Kyoutani turns and walks into the building so fast that it almost seems like he’s desperate to escape. Once the door swings closed with a click, Shigeru turns and walks the rest of the way home by himself, hands tucked in his pockets, frowning.

 

*** * ***

His birthday dawns with more snow, and Shigeru isn’t particularly happy about it.

He’s never really happy about snow, but today it just makes the strange heat that he can feel in the center of his chest more prominent, a stronger sensation than the cold that wraps around him as he trudges toward school.

Shigeru wishes he could skip today—spend it at home laying in bed and feeling sorry for himself. It’s not really an option. Thanks to Kyoutani’s terrible surprise planning, Shigeru knows that Watari even wrangled Oikawa into coming and wishing him a happy birthday, and as the team captain, it never looks good for Shigeru to not show up.

But still, it’s with a grim attitude that he meets Kyoutani, who actually looks awake and excited for once. He’s famously not a morning person, and while Shigeru spends their walk in grumbling tiredly to himself and stretching, trying to wipe the last of the sleep from his eyes, Kyoutani glares into thin air and rarely has anything to say.

From the look of him, he’s been up at least an hour, and there’s a smile at the corners of his lips that makes Shigeru’s heart flutter in his chest in a way that it definitely shouldn’t be, today of all days. It scares him as soon as he realizes it, which makes the feeling of giddy excitement stop.

Kyoutani has a brightly wrapped package tucked under his arm, in a shade of blue that Shigeru likes a lot. As soon as he catches Shigeru staring at it Kyoutani shakes his head. “I can’t give it to you until we have your party.”

“That’s just rude,” Shigeru huffs, shaking his head. Kyoutani shrugs his shoulders, but he’s smiling now more than he was before. “You could at least keep it in your bag.”

“No I can’t,” Kyoutani snipes back, then quickly shuts his mouth. Shigeru wrinkles his nose, curiosity overtaking his caution. He almost wants to grab the present out from under Kyoutani’s arm and try to make off with it. Not only for the sake of satisfying his curiosity, but also because it would annoy Kyoutani in the way that makes his ears go red while he struggles not to smile.

Shigeru resists the temptation, stretching his arms over his head with a soft groan instead. He has a hat tugged firmly over his head, as well as gloves on along with his winter coat. He feels a shade too warm, though this is his usual level of bundled up for cold days.

Kyoutani doesn’t have any winter clothes on, of course, except for a slightly heavier jacket than the one he usually wears. There’s snowflakes clinging to his short hair, and Shigeru knows as soon as they walk inside they’ll melt and drip down the back of his neck, all while Kyoutani maintains that he’s not cold at all.

“When are we having this party, then?” Shigeru asks, tucking his hands back into his pockets and easing his hands out of his gloves. Kyoutani huffs, then shrugs.

“Afternoon practice, when else?” His grumbling produces a cloud of steam in front of his lips and Shigeru finds himself staring, just for a quick second. Kyoutani seems to notice it too, because he looks quickly forward again, the tips of his ears pink. It’s easy enough to explain away with the cold and the wind, but Shigeru can’t shake the feeling that they’re _both_ dancing around something that they shouldn’t be.

He can’t exactly tell Kyoutani that, though. He can’t tell anybody.

Shigeru’s family has been cursed for the last four generations and admitting that is far more likely to get him killed than admitting the curse is. It’s not legal anymore to kill someone accused of magic, but Shigeru knows it still happens.

Worse, the curse is responsible for starting fires around anyone unfortunate enough to have Shigeru fall in love with them. It only gets worse with age, and Shigeru knows it’s why he feels so warm now that sweat is running down the back of his neck.

It’s why he grew up with only his father raising him.

It’s why no matter how much he wants to, he can’t be in love with Kyoutani Kentarou.

They split off to their respective classrooms, and Shigeru sinks into his seat, hoping that no one in his class decides to make a big deal out of his birthday as well. His chances are good for that, at least as far as he can tell. He’s hardly done much to be popular in his class, and short of a few congratulations from his classmates, he makes it through the morning without having to hear much of it.

And then lunch rolls around, and maybe Shigeru should have been more suspicious of Kyoutani being so upfront about what the plans for the party were because by the time Shigeru has his lunch and is ready to go eat it, Watari and Kyoutani have showed up to spirit him off to the club room.

“I thought you said it was afternoon practice,” Shigeru glares at Kyoutani, giving a half-hearted resistance to the two of them dragging him along. He can see the way the corner of Kyoutani’s mouth tips upward into a crooked grin.

“Of course I did. It’s a surprise.” He looks far too pleased with himself and if it weren’t for the effort that Watari probably put into planning this party for him, Shigeru would pick a fight over it now.

As it stands, this is probably the only good thing he’ll get for his birthday, so he figures he might as well make the best of it while he can.

He does his best to steel himself as Watari flings the clubroom doors open and Kyoutani nudges him inside like he still might turn tail and run away. Shigeru almost appreciates it, because it’s the first thought that comes to his head when the doors open, and it’s not helped by the steady, warm pressure of Kyoutani’s hand against his elbow.

The lights flick on as he steps inside, revealing the whole team standing around a small, clearly homemade cake. There’s a banner hanging from the ceiling, proudly sporting ‘Happy Birthday, Captain!’ in handwriting that could only belong to Kunimi. There’s a great shout of congratulations as they walk in the room, and Shigeru finds himself mobbed by slaps on the back and playful shoves.

Despite himself, Shigeru is smiling over all of it. He’s always nervous about doing well for the team, about being a good enough captain, and it’s nice to see that they care, even in ways like this where he would rather that they didn’t. There’s a small pile of assorted gifts, the kind of things that teenagers can pick up on the way with the allowance they have—a strap for his phone with a little volleyball on the end of it, snacks, a book that Watari knows he’s had his eye on.

On the bottom of the pile, Shigeru can see the wrapped package that Kyoutani had with him that morning, waiting to be ripped open. Shigeru is careful about it like he is with any gift, opening it where it’s taped and grinning to himself when Kyoutani hovers impatiently, trying to gauge a reaction.

Inside is a framed photo of their team from this year, just after uniforms were passed out. Mizoguchi had lined them up and taken it, despite the assorted grumbling he got in return. Shigeru was standing in the front, next to Kunimi, with Kindaichi and two of their first-years behind him. On his right side though is Kyoutani, and Shigeru is surprised by the temptation to run his thumb over the ‘4’ on Kyoutani’s then brand new jersey.

Shigeru had asked Irihata if Kyoutani could have that number specifically, though he’d never admit it to anyone else. The small gift helps him relax, and he sets it down carefully, fingers still resting on the cool wood of the frame. He can feel Kyoutani staring at him anxiously, and before he can get frustrated or take Shigeru’s silence the wrong way, he leans to bump their shoulders together. “Thanks.”

“Sure,” Kyoutani shrugs, but there’s a pleased flush at the tips of his ears and Shigeru wishes he didn’t want to press his lips against the warm skin of them.

The party doesn’t stretch for long, and most of them settle in to eat and talk before lunch ends, but before Shigeru can make a quick escape back to class, Kyoutani leans over and taps his shoulder. “Hey. I need to talk to you for a second.”

Shigeru’s stomach sinks, and Kyoutani won’t quite meet his eyes. Still, Shigeru doesn’t have the option to refuse him without seeming strange, so he nods and stands, pulling Kyoutani by one hand and walking outside with him. Any other day, he might not have thought about how he was tempted to let his touch linger at Kyoutani’s wrist, but today he snaps his hand back almost too quickly, tucking it in his pocket.

Kyoutani doesn’t stop outside the door but instead walks down to the fenced end of the walkway outside of the club room, looking down at his feet and shuffling his weight from side to side. “I gotta—I need to tell you something. It’s, um, important.”

“Okay.” Shigeru swallows hard and almost chokes on the word. He has his hands stuffed into his pockets so hopefully, Kyoutani won’t notice that they’re gripped into fists so tight that his knuckles must have gone white. Kyoutani opens his mouth but doesn’t seem sure of what he wants to stay, and another time maybe Shigeru would tease him for catching flies.

“I like you.” Kyoutani almost coughs the words out and even though he’s been dreading this moment happening, Shigeru can’t help the flicker of giddy, warm excitement in the pit of his stomach. He’s barely figured his feelings out for himself—enough to know that he likes Kyoutani more than he should. He doesn’t say anything, he’s not sure what he should say.

But he’s smiling, he can’t stop, and Kyoutani slowly starts as well. Shigeru doesn’t even realize that he’s taken a step forward, closed the gap between them until he can feel the warmth that rolls off of Kyoutani through his thin jersey. He wants to take the chance and kiss him, to wrap himself up in all of that warmth—

There’s a shimmer of heat in the corner of Shigeru’s vision, and when he turns to look at it there’s a quick spark, a flame that tries to ignite on the wet ground next to his foot.

Shigeru’s smile vanishes all at once.

“I’m sorry,” he says, and he means too much by it. Kyoutani blinks at him, his brow knitting together. They’re standing close together still, and Shigeru can feel the shivering, confused breath that Kyoutani lets out against his own lips and he has to step back quickly before he leans forward and steals a kiss that he can’t have. “Kyoutani—I don’t. I’m sorry.”

Kyoutani looks like he doesn’t know what to say, and Shigeru isn’t sure he wants to know what happens. He ducks his head and mumbles another apology before swinging his bag more firmly over his shoulder and fleeing down the stairs, listening to the wet slap of his feet against the pavement.

 

Shigeru, once again, considers how much easier his life would be if he simply skipped practice.

He considers once again that he can’t because he’s the captain and it’s his job to be there, but the idea of having to face Kyoutani once again makes him feel like crawling under a rock and never coming out.

It would be best if the two of them could go on and pretend that this never happened.

Or at least, maybe it would make Shigeru feel slightly less terrible about himself. He’s not counting on it. Between him and Kyoutani, it’s rare that anything gets let go of or forgotten. They’re both too stubborn for it. But Shigeru can’t accept Kyoutani’s feelings, and he can’t explain _why_.

Admitting to being cursed is nearly as dangerous as the curse itself, especially if he were to tell the wrong person.

So, Shigeru finds himself walking into the club room once again that day, focused on putting one foot in front of the other and not making eye contact as much as he can get away with.

It works until Watari shows up to pat him lightly on the shoulder, looking around with a slight furrow in his brow. “Kyoutani-kun isn’t here?”

“Oh.” Shigeru mumbles, and even to his own ear it lacks conviction. He can’t continue on feeling so sorry for himself. He picks his head up, frowning just slightly at the news because he can’t find it in himself to raise his usual ire over Kyoutani being late. “I’m sure he’s just screwing around. He’ll be here.”

Kyoutani doesn’t show up, Shigeru pretends he’s not relieved.

And, because they didn’t leave practice together, Shigeru walks home by himself for the first time all year.

He deserves it, the extended time alone with his thoughts, and he knows he does, but it doesn’t lessen the sting at all. He resists the urge to check his phone for messages until he gets home, only to find that his inbox is empty of new messages.

He sighs, setting his phone down on the desk and scrubbing his palms against his eyes, groaning. Collapsing backward on the bed, Shigeru finds himself staring at the ceiling of his room until his eyes can’t focus on the details of it anymore.

Just for a moment, he lets himself wonder what would have happened if he had kissed Kyoutani like he wanted to. His fingers curl slightly, gripping onto his comforter. Warm, probably, and Shigeru imagines that Kyoutani’s lips are probably chapped since he does barely anything to actually take care of himself.

It’s hard not to wish that he’d taken the chance, no matter what it might have lead to. Shigeru sits up with a sigh, using a hand to ruffle his hair back into place.

He spends the evening as engrossed in his history homework as he can possibly get—meaning a lot of it is spent staring at his phone like it’s a snake resting on the corner of his desk, wondering if he should reach out to Kyoutani first.

Ultimately, Shigeru thinks it seems too cruel. He can’t even give Kyoutani the courtesy of a straight answer to his confession, so asking if the two of them can remain friends in spite of it isn’t his place.

Or at least, these are the reasons Shigeru mumbles to himself, then scribbles out on a page of his notebook just so the reminder is more concrete.

It would be selfish, ultimately, to say yes and try to date Kyoutani. He can’t justify it to himself—putting someone that he cares about in that kind of constant danger.

Shigeru barely remembers his mother and barely remembers the blaze that consumed their home before his father moved them to Miyagi.

There’s no escaping it, after all.

 

*** * ***

Things seem no brighter in the morning, after Shigeru falls asleep late because he can’t chase the thoughts of Kyoutani, and dating, and kissing out of his head. Worse, because after all of that he still dreams of fire, the way he hasn’t for a long time.

He dreams about smoke filling his lungs, choking him, of indistinct voices calling him through the orange haze of fire and not being able to help them.

Shigeru takes the long way to school, just to avoid walking by Kyoutani’s apartment building. It’s petty, and he finds himself staring at his phone once again before he reaches the school, slightly later than normal because of the change in his route.

It’s a relief to see Kyoutani has beaten him there this morning. He’s already stretching in the gym by the time Shigeru has changed to join the team, and he glances at Shigeru for just a moment, his lips tilting downward into a frown before he looks away.

Feeling a lump starting in the back of his throat, Shigeru does his best to ignore the way the small gesture stings.

There’s no better option, he reminds himself. There’s nothing he can do to make it better for either of them.

It must be painfully obvious to the whole team that the two of aren’t in sync. The first few sets that Shigeru sends Kyoutani’s way are missed entirely, and Shigeru can’t tell if it’s his mistake or Kyoutani’s.

That doesn’t stop him from getting frustrated, of course.

“What’s wrong with you?” He snaps, after the third one, gesturing at the ball bouncing helplessly between the two of them. “Pay attention!”

“You set it too short,” Kyoutani snarls back, his body language snapping to tension as his hands ball into fists. “You can’t blame all your fuck ups on me.”

“So it’s my fault?” Shigeru huffs, and there’s a dead silence around the two of them, the kind that usually means Shigeru is drawing too much attention to himself. He doesn’t like being the focus of a group, typically it makes him anxious, and it’s one of the reasons being captain has been so challenging for him.

Kyoutani exists to disrupt him as always, and Shigeru forgets about having a shouting match with him in the middle of practice. It certainly doesn’t seem to bother Kyoutani in the least, with the way he takes a step forward, kicking the ball to the side so he and Shigeru are pressed into each other’s space.

It’s a familiar position for them to be in for too many reasons, and before Kyoutani can grit out a response Watari is there, gently pressing them apart with a hand on each of their chests. “I don’t think it was anyone’s fault, really. Why don’t you try it again?”

Shigeru breaks their sustained glare first, and Kyoutani shrugs the hand off of his chest and turns, stalking back to his position. Shigeru sighs, feeling the pressure of Watari staring at him for an extra moment before they reset the play.

 

He does his best to get away to class before Watari can catch him, but after he and Kyoutani broke out into fighting twice more during practice, he figures his chances are slim.

Watari lingers next to his locker, smiling peacefully as the rest of the team files out, leaning his shoulder on the wall. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” Shigeru sighs, knowing he won’t get away with it unless Watari decides to let him. It’s hard to hide anything from Watari—he’s not as overt about his observant nature as someone like Oikawa, but he’s empathetic and he picks up much more quickly on how others are feeling. Even Shigeru, who takes great pains to hide.

“You and Kyoutani are bickering like first-years again.” Watari apparently isn’t in the mood to just let Shigeru get away with it. “Did something happen?”

“No,” Shigeru shuts his locker and turns to Watari with a sigh, rubbing the back of his neck. “I didn’t sleep very well, I was probably a little off.”

“He was too,” Watari narrows his eyes. “And he didn’t show up yesterday.”

“So? He skipped an entire semester last year. It’s not that weird.”

“Not this year,” Watari sighs, but turns to slide his bag onto his shoulder. He waits for Shigeru to do the same, and for a moment Shigeru is worried that they’re going to have to have this conversation all the way to class, but Watari shakes his head slightly. “I won’t _make_ you talk about it, but I’ll listen if you want to.”

“I don’t.” Shigeru’s voice is softer than he means it to be, and there’s a knowing glint in Watari’s eyes. Shigeru straightens his shoulders, coughing to try and help him relax. “It’s nothing. I’ll work it out.”

He doesn’t tell Watari anything like it won’t affect the team—he knows that’s not what Watari is looking for.

Watari hums, patting Shigeru on the shoulder before splitting off into his own classroom.

 

Unfortunately, there’s no easy way for Shigeru to handle it on his own. It’s clear Kyoutani doesn’t want to spend more than ten seconds actually talking to him, and he spends all of afternoon practice avoiding even making eye contact.

Shigeru isn’t sure what he should be doing about the whole situation. He doesn’t realize how much time he and Kyoutani spend around one another until all of that time becomes incredibly awkward; usually, they walk to school together, practice in the mornings, eat lunch, practice after school and walk home together.

And those things were comfortable, and when he makes an awkward excuse to Kyoutani about having to run an errand on his way home, the lack of the routine he’s become so used to leaves an empty space in his life that he’s not quite sure what he’s supposed to do with.

They continue like that through the end of the week, carefully tiptoeing around one another until Shigeru can’t come up with any more fake errands to run and they walk home together in the evenings once more.

The snow on the ground has finally started to melt, making the sidewalks just wide enough for them to walk with a space between them.

“We’re playing Dateko next week,” Shigeru says, once he can’t take the silence pushing in around him anymore. Kyoutani looks at him with a slight frown, and that alone is almost enough to get Shigeru to retreat into quiet again.

But, this is Kyoutani. And Shigeru has never been one for backing down easy. “You should make sure you don’t over exert yourself with all that spiking practice.”

“I’m still trying to get better with my left hand,” Kyoutani shrugs, but the conversation feels _normal_ , which is something that Shigeru has found himself missing desperately.

“I know.” He glances at Kyoutani’s hand and finds his own fingers twitching in his pockets with a desire he doesn’t want to put a name to.

He’s scared all over again of how Kyoutani would react if Shigeru just reached out and laced their fingers together once more. He isn’t sure that the gesture would really be appreciated, not after Shigeru turning down the confession and spending all his time after avoiding Kyoutani.

“You’re doing well with it, though.” He continues his thought after a moment too long, and Kyoutani huffs a little laugh like he doesn’t quite believe it. Getting him to accept praise has always been like pulling teeth, and Shigeru hisses a sigh through his teeth. “I’m serious! Kindaichi is even having trouble blocking the left-handed spikes.”

That gets a small smile out of Kyoutani, and Shigeru takes just a moment to appreciate it.

Even if he can’t tell Kyoutani, it’s getting harder and harder to ignore the fact that Shigeru _does_ like him. He likes him a lot.

Shigeru can see the corner just before Kyoutani’s apartment and he drags his feet a little bit, trying to swallow the words suddenly caught in his mouth. He can feel the heat tingling inside his stomach already, extending to his fingers and making his jersey stick uncomfortably to his skin.

He wonders if he’ll always feel like there’s a fire constantly trying to get out of him. He squeezes his mouth shut more tightly, scowling down at his feet. The conversation fades awkwardly, and Kyoutani turns toward his apartment with a mumbled goodbye that Shigeru barely hears.

He pulls one hand out of his pocket to wave, not trusting himself with actually saying anything.

 

*** * ***

Things don’t get better from there. Shigeru can’t come up with a better answer to his problem other than avoiding Kyoutani, and by extension, his own confused feelings.

He singes his pillow twice laying in bed and thinking about what it might be like if he _could_ kiss Kyoutani or if he could hold his hand or if he could do anything but hide like a coward.

Rather than joining Kyoutani and Watari for lunch like he usually does, Shigeru takes to eating by himself at his desk, making excuses whenever he’s asked why.

It’s a struggle to remind himself that he’s _protecting_ Kyoutani by doing this, sometimes. But the nightmares of fire don’t go away.

Shigeru is almost too afraid of them to sleep, making him sluggish and distracted at practice as well. He’s worried that when he closes his eyes, the fire he sees in his dreams will escape from him. He’s been told that the curse doesn’t work that way, it only matters when they’re in love…

But his fear and his feelings for Kyoutani have become such mess that Shigeru isn’t sure which one is stronger.

He should have expected that Kyoutani wouldn’t let him run away forever, and he shouldn’t be surprised when Kyoutani grabs his arm before he can duck out of practice, glaring at him. “We need to talk.”

Shigeru does his best to shake his arm free. “I have to get home.”

“Bullshit.” Kyoutani refuses to let go, dragging Shigeru outside with him. There’s muffled laughter that’s cut off when the door swings shut behind the two of them. Bickering and fighting has gone back to being the norm for the two of them—it’s probably the most time they’ve spent talking <3 to one another outside of an argument in two weeks.

Shigeru walks alongside Kyoutani to avoid being dragged, though Kyoutani keeps a firm grip on his on that Shigeru finds it hard to ignore. It’s barely above freezing now, but he’s so hot all the time that he doesn’t even miss his jacket—the cold air is almost a relief.

But when Kyoutani does let go of his arm and turn to face him, he turns his eyes downward, fingers clenched into a fist at his side. “You’re acting weird because of what I said.”

“Earlier? Look, I told you I don’t _care_ if you think I’m being a dick, Kyoutani. I’m the captain, you don’t have to like it.”

“Not that!” Kyoutani lifts his head, brows knitting together. “When I told you—your birthday.”

“Oh.” The single syllable takes all the air of his lungs, the weight of it hitting him like a punch to the gut. Of course, Kyoutani noticed the reason that Shigeru’s been acting strange, it’s not as if any of it was particularly subtle. “I’m sorry—”

“Whatever. I… I don’t care if you don’t like me. That’s fine, I didn’t really expect you to.” Kyoutani sighs, his eyes dropping again, and Shigeru knows he’s not comfortable sharing his feelings even on simple things. “But I didn’t want you to stop being my friend because of it. I’m not gonna do anything weird.”

“It’s not…” Shigeru swallows, but this time he can’t force the words to stop coming out of his mouth now that he’s started. “It’s not because of that.”

“Tell me what’s going on then.” Kyoutani scowls. “I’m your friend, right? Let me help.”

“I can’t. You can’t.” Shigeru sighs, his shoulders slumping. It’s weighing him down, keeping secrets like this. He’s tired and tired of being afraid, and he so wants to think that Kyoutani could shoulder just a little of this burden with him the same way he does on the court.

“C’mon.” Kyoutani rolls his eyes, thumping his fist lightly against Shigeru’s shoulder. “It can’t be that bad.”

Shigeru tries to laugh, but it gets caught up in his throat and comes out more like a sob. “It is, I promise.”

Still, he draws a sharp breath in, ignoring the way that it shakes. “My family is cursed.”

“Cursed?” Kyoutani leans forward slightly, his brow furrowing, and Shigeru nods his head, squeezing his fingers together and looking down nervously.

“W- when we get, um, involved with people it starts fires.” Shigeru has to steady himself before he lifts his head to look at Kyoutani again. “T- that’s why I just live with my dad.”

Kyoutani nods his head slightly, looking at Shigeru seriously. Shigeru wishes it weren’t so close to his usual expression, because it makes it hard to guess what he might be thinking this time. After a moment, Kyoutani hums, taking a step forward and Shigeru is surprised by the light touch of fingers against his cheek. He almost pulls back to try and argue again, but Kyoutani reaches further and hooks his fingers around the back of Shigeru’s neck, keeping him from bolting.

Not that he thinks he could even try at this point—he feels rooted to the ground. He reaches forward slowly, fingers catching in Kyoutani’s shirt at his sides. The two of them both hesitate for just a beat, and it almost makes Shigeru laugh.

Neither of them like being the first one to back down, after all.

Kyoutani’s lips _are_ chapped like Shigeru thought they would be, but his breath is warm and he goes from holding the back of Shigeru’s neck to resting his fingers lightly against the nape of it.

They draw back from one another slowly, and Shigeru finds his hands still lingering at Kyoutani’s sides, reluctant to let go.

Slowly, Kyoutani smiles. It’s a small, fragile thing and Shigeru isn’t quite used to seeing it. He’s surprised by how much he likes it. “I want to try and help you.”

 

*** * ***

Shigeru doesn’t take Kyoutani’s offer of help as meaning much of anything. Of course he _wants_ to.

The two of them are standing on uncertain ground as it is, though, and Shigeru doesn’t bring it up to argue. They aren’t dating, or at least they haven’t discussed anything to that effect, but they’re friends again at least. Watari sends Shigeru little glances like he wants to ask what happened between the two of them, but Shigeru ignores them as best he can.

He’s surprised when he arrives at Kyoutani’s one morning to find him already standing on the sidewalk outside, bouncing his leg. He looks up as Shigeru approaches, his lips twitching nervously like he wants to smile but can’t quite get himself all the way there. Shigeru waves, hoping to ease some of Kyoutani’s apparent anxiety.

Kyoutani jogs the last few steps over to him, rubbing the back of his neck. “I have something for you.”

“You already gave me a birthday present,” Shigeru tilts his head, blinking when Kyoutani draws a necklace out of his pocket and passes it into Shigeru’s palm. It feels strangely cold, the air around them has finally started to warm with the coming spring, but the metal in his palm is like ice. “What is this?”

“My mom helped me make it,” Kyoutani curls Shigeru’s fingers around it, smiling. “It’ll help with your… problem.”

Shigeru can feel his eyes going wide, and his fingers shake as he tries to undo the clasp. Kyoutani chuckles at his clumsy eagerness, taking it back to open it and fix it carefully around Shigeru’s neck. Sure enough, as soon as the cold metal comes to rest against his skin, Shigeru feels different. The metal heats slowly, drawing the fire out of Shigeru’s blood and containing it. “So, you’re a—”

“Well, yeah.” Kyoutani smiles, reaching slowly to lace his fingers through Shigeru’s. “I’m not supposed to tell anyone, obviously. But since you trusted me, I figured I could trust you.”

Shigeru uses Kyoutani’s hand to haul him forward into a hug, pressing his face into Kyoutani’s hair. Kyoutani nuzzles into the junction of Shigeru’s neck and shoulder, smile hidden against his skin. “You’re warm, you know.”

Usually, Shigeru would scold Kyoutani about making both of them late to practice, but this morning he figures they have time for him to haul Kyoutani into a kiss, fingers running through his hair.

And they _do_ have time now, after all, and that’s a far better gift than Shigeru expected to get.


End file.
